How To Survive A Horror Movie
by DethRose
Summary: This is a list of do's, don'ts and whatevers you need to know to survive a horror movie. Now with more suggestiony goodness. UPDATED! Seriously though. Those who don't follow these simple rules are dead if they ever go into a horror movie. UPDATED!
1. Part I

**How To Survive A Horror Movie**

Make sure you stay in a group.

Take a buddy if you have to use the restroom. Not of the opposite sex though.

Speaking of that, never have sex in a horror movie.

Don't be blond.

Don't be a jock.

Don't be the nerd.

Don't be the funny guy.

If you are one of the above, I'm so sorry, you're dead.

If you hear suspenseful music, run.

10. When you do run, never, I repeat NEVER look back.

11. Showers are prohibited

12. Make sure you have a flashlight that works.

13. Make sure you have batteries.

14. Make sure you have a cell phone with excellent reception

15. Make sure your cell phone is charged.

16. Make sure you have training in the army.

17. Make sure you are skilled in the martial arts.

18. Make sure you have a private armory.

19. Don't grab the banana. Grab the knife.

20. Bring a friend who is slower than you.

21. Shove the above down. Sure you will feel guilty but hey, you live for an extra minute.

22. Make certain that you are not related to any psychopathic killers that have escaped.

23. Don't go near an abandoned kids camp

24. Stay away from boiler rooms.

25. Stay away from motels with the name Bates

25. Stay away from psychopathic killer's childhood home

26. Help the ugly kid from drowning.

27. Stay away from anyone who wears masks.

28. When you watch a certain movie, DON'T answer the phone.

29. Don't say, "Nothing can possibly get any worse."

30. Don't say, "There's nothing to fear."

31. Make sure you have an extra tire filed with air.

32. Don't drink.

33. Don't do drugs.

34. Don't go to the mansion if you have a flat.

33. If you hear the song "Time Warp" RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

34. The virgin ALWAYS survives.


	2. Part II

**How To Survive A Horror Movie: Part II**

All you need to know to survive a horror movie.

1. If your psychiatrist says 'Good evening', walk out the door. But be polite about it.

2. If a loved one was buried in an Indian graveyard. Move away.

3. Don't say a certain name three times. But if you are willing to, have fun. He's not so bad. Just watch out for the tricks.

5. Don't go near any creepy children.

6. Stay away from cornfields.

7. Don't turn out the lights in the bathroom and say two other certain names. One is not Willy Wonka. The other is not the Madonna.

8. When you run, LOOK WHERE YOU ARE GOING.

9. Don't trip.

10. Don't steal the Leprechauns gold.

11. Don't go near Texas.

12. Don't buy the Good Guy.

13. Don't mess with a Ouija Board.

14. Don't buy a house with a hole in the basement.

15. Don't point a gun at the alien with the dreads.

16. If your doll moves, BURN IT!!!!!!!

17. If your TV turns on in the middle of the night. Move.

18. If you hear dead people, ask to help them.

19. If you are in a town with zombies, make sure you run into the nearest Pharmacy. Lock the door behind you.

20. If there are zombies in your town, meet up with a black man named Ben.

21. Don't go near the house on the haunted hill.

22. Don't solve the cube.

23. Don't call the man with the pins on his face Penny.

24. Clowns are always evil.

25. Stay away from the above.

26. Stay away from the Goblin King. HE'S MINE!

27. E.T. does not want to phone home.

28. Stay away from anyone who is obsessed with blood to the point of drinking it.

29. Don't make fun of the ugly kid.

30. Stay away from anyone who is burned. But if you want to have nice nightmares go ahead, remember his name.

31. Don't go anywhere near a man who will attempt to bring the dead to life.

32. Stay away from sweet transvestites from Transsexual Transylvania.

33. As a matter of fact, stay away from Transylvania.

34. Don't go near the large growling puppy maiming a person.

35. Don't buy a dog named Cujo.

36. Beware of the giant bunnies.

_This is a list to help you survive a horror movie. If you follow all of the rules and guidelines, you will probably survive. Wow! _

_A/N: Wow! Only a day has passed since I put the first one up and I got 3 reviews! A new record for me! Thanks to damsel-in-stress for being a great cyberpal and not in the weird bald man who is 40 years old, lives in the basement of his mom's house and talks to innocent children kind of way.(I hope.) Just joking. Thanks to micheallover and Ghostwriter. Thanks to my friend ScriptLord for giving me the idea in Graphic Arts and lunch. I can't wait for the cheese buns and chili tomorrow!_

_More advice coming soon. _


	3. Part III

**How To Survive A Horror Movie Part III**

1. Don't call the guy in the Boiler Room Froderick Frankenstien

2. You know that guy with the hockey mask? Well, don't make fun of his mom.

3. Never inquire as to how a certain person got scars on his face.

4. Never pour pigs blood on a certain girl.

5. If you land in a town that is no where near Kansas, give the slippers to the witch.

6. If you don't, face the wrath of the flying monkeys.

7. Don't trust short people.

8. Don't go any where near a man who wears an inside out Captain James T. Kirk mask.

9. Big spiders are not cool.

9. Stay away from sharks.

10. Don't go near the Black Lagoon.

11. Exorcisms are your friends.

12. When you hear something behind you, act oblivious, there's a chance it won't strike until you acknowledge its existence.

13. When you hear Bach's _Toccata and Fugue in D Minor_, walk away.

14. Don't investigate anything.

15. Don't say _"Your right words"_ (Labyrinth reference)

16. Don't eat in the no-faced thing's castle.

17. If a man asks you, "Why so serious?" Tell him a sob story. Better yet, just let him kill you, he'll do it anyway. You're already screwed.

18. Never do anything bad or you will end up in a crappy bathroom with another person with your leg chained up. (sorry for the pun)

19. If you do something bad, others will also do something bad thus starting a whole series of a horror movie which should have been done after the second.

20. Beware of the gas that makes people smile and die.

21. Being selfish will only get you killed faster.

22. Those aren't tongues or peppers that are coming near you.

23. Beware of cannibalistic sheep.

24. Don't go into the house with the little Japanese boy.


	4. Part IV

**How To Survive A Horror Movie: Part IV**

1. Beware of the guy in the hockey mask.

2. The guy named Damien is not your friend.

3. Freaks really want you to be, "One of us."

4. Never rub a magic lamp.

5. Don't go into the castle.

6. Don't wish away your siblings to the goblins.

7. Don't try to kill Black Mamba.

8. If you do the above, she _will_ find you and kill you.

9. The man in the Boiler Room isn't Santa Claus.

10. Stay away from large snakes.

11. Don't be the prep.

12. Don't go to a rave.

13. If you see a man poke a guy in the brain when the dude is still living and place a part of the dude's brain on the oven, sneak away.

14. Live each day, as if it's your last because it very well could be.

15. Stay away from mannequins.

16. The dude eating bugs is the servant of a certain famous vampire.

17. Don't steal the ring from the creepy gray guy.

18. Don't go over to the dark side.

19. Big bugs mean huge bug bites.

20. The dude with scars on his face just wants to cause a little chaos, so don't stand in his way.

21. Hillbillies are creepy.

22. The above may eat you.

23. Stay away from the hills. They see things.

24. The family with bags over their heads will not be good neighbors.

25. The pale guy will most likely give you a death hickey.

26. The killers aren't dead if you stab them, they only play dead. They will come back.

27. Stay away from gigantic gorillas.

28. That giant lizard knows how to breathe fire. You better find shelter in a nice fire resistant place.

29. When in doubt, play dead.

30. The dude with the scars is definitely insane. Try to stay on his good side. Laugh when he does the pencil trick and put on Pilot's Oh, Ho, Ho, It's Magic song. Get him laughing.

31. Make the above think you are as crazy as he is.


	5. Part V

**How To Survive A Horror Movie: Part V**

_Some of these are suggestions from my reviewers._

1. Don't go upstairs when you are being chased by the killer.

2. Phones don't work in abandoned buildings.

3. Don't go down a well.

4. When you hide, don't move until you know the guy is gone.

5. Most of the time the guy isn't gone.

6. Don't clone dinosaurs.

7. Don't trust the janitor.

8. The guy with the sweater and claw is a dream demon. I told you not to drink. Now look at what you caused.

9. Caffeinated drinks are your friends.

10. Don't step over the killer when he falls down the stairs.

11. When you hear breathing from somewhere in the room, you better get your butt outta there.

12. If you fall asleep and dream of a boiler room, you are so dead.

13. Don't move to Elm Street.

14. Don't mess with the Master Control Program. (Tron reference)

15. I know it may be fun, but don't poke the dead body with a stick.

16. If your flashlight goes out, stay where you are. Don't turn the flashlight back on. There is something in front of you.

17. Make friends with the locals of the Underground.

18. Puppets are just as bad as dolls.

19. Don't make a deal with the devil.

20. If you are in Notre Dame, don't make fun of the Hunchback. (not Disney but Lon)

21. Don't get bitten by a large wolf.

22. Always carry silver.

23. Always carry garlic.

24. Always carry a stake.

25. Always carry a steak.

26. Carry a cross.

27. Don't take the mummy's treasures.

28. If you see strange footprints, go the other way.

29. Watch out for talking apes.

30. The man who is invisible could be right behind you now.

31. The guy with the vertical black and white striped suit could be dangerous if he doesn't like you.

32. Stay indoors on Friday the 13th.

from **Kurt Baros aka The Falcon**

33. Always check the back of the car when you get in the killer is probley there

34. Never follow the strange sounds you will die if you do-  
35. Dont look for friends because there probley dead-  
36. When you think the killer is dead put several more magizines worth of ammo in to them and 37. then dismimber there bodies-  
38. Learn how to remove the demons or spirits that posesse your freinds bodies-  
39. And lasting just live a fallout shelter and none the baddes will get you if your there ???

from 

40. Always be nice to the outcast in school  
41. Never sigh in relief  
42. Never say "its over" or "its dead"  
43. If you think the monsters dead, keep stabbing it and take its weapon  
44. Never take anything from the dead


	6. Part VI

**How To Survive A Horror Movie: Part VI**

**Sorry this took so long to write. I haven't had any other ideas.**

1. If the alien with the dreads leaves you alone, don't call him a coward because he didn't kill you. You just insulted him. Now you die.

2. If you are looking at a person then turn around and see there is a mirror, but the person doesn't have a reflection, you're dead.

3. Don't say, "It's a piece of cake."

4. If you are walking down the street and see a murder taking place, run and call the cops. Make sure the killer doesn't see you.

5. The guy with the sweater and claw isn't going to help you if you're lost.

6. Friday the 13th isn't a good day to go to a certain camp.

7. If you meet up with a guy in a mental institution and he is in a plastic or glass barrier, make sure that you are polite.

8. Don't mess with the Goblin King.

9. The guy with the weird looking face that has a chainsaw in his hand isn't going to be nice.

10. Have you noticed that there are no nice clown movies?

11. Between you and me, I wouldn't go in that abandoned building.

12. That ghost that you have to say his name 3 times can stay out of a certain place for dead people if you marry him.

13. Don't take that Aztec gold piece.

14. If you see a ghostly ship with Black sails, you better get off the dock and run before the cannons fire.

15. If you see a ship with Black sails that isn't ghostly, then run to the dock and say hello to the pirate captain that steps off.

16. Never tell the Goblin King that glitter and lip gloss is for girls.

17. Don't just stand there! Run!

18. Never tell a certain cannibal to "Bite me." He might take it literally.

19. When you are outside, and nothing is around, look in the trees. Chances are that something will be hiding in them.

20. Don't take a certain barber's daughter away from him.

21. if you are a guy, don't go to the barber on Fleet Street.

22. Even Chuck Norris wouldn't be able to help you if you are surrounded by talking apes.


End file.
